


live this nightmare

by kainat



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: I cried while writing this tbh, M/M, but also thats why i put the archive warning?, engaged!kiho, its just, only teen bc this is rlly sad, super sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-10
Updated: 2016-10-10
Packaged: 2018-08-20 14:28:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8252485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kainat/pseuds/kainat
Summary: "i drag myself out of nightmares each morning and find there's no relief in waking." - suzanne collins, mockingjay





	

It happened with every relationship he was ever in. He would think things were going well, and that maybe this time was different, but the dreams would start up again. It would vary every night; whether he dreamed of his partner dying, finding them dead, or attending their funeral. And it scared the shit out of him.

 

The first dream Hoseok had about Kihyun was Kihyun dying from cancer. Bone cancer, to be more precise. He couldn’t move, he could barely eat. Hoseok remembers the dream clear as day. He remembers walking into a bright hospital room from a dark hall, blinded by the light, only to find a pale and lifeless-looking Kihyun sitting on the hospital bed.

When Hoseok woke from his dream, he had called Kihyun and cried on the phone about how scared he was while Kihyun rushed over to his apartment to comfort him. Once Kihyun arrived, he wiped his tears, made him a warm drink to help him relax, and then they fell asleep in each other’s arms. While Hoseok fell asleep, he could hear Kihyun’s soft and gentle voice whispering in his ear,  _ “It’s okay, I’m right here. I’m not dead, I’m here next to you.”  _ Finally, when their collective warmth filled Hoseok’s body, and his panic finally left him, he fell asleep to his boyfriend’s silken voice.

 

~~~~

 

But tonight was a similar dream to the first night’s. Which had never happened before. Although Kihyun was not dying from cancer, he was dying from something. Hoseok tried to ask him, but Kihyun was asleep, his pulse monitor showing faint but steady heartbeats. Hoseok took Kihyun’s hand in his and gently squeezed, hoping that he wasn’t going to hurt him by doing so. As he did, Kihyun shifted his head toward Hoseok, his lips outlining the words  _ I love you _ , but he never opened his eyes or squeezed his hand back.

 

Time stood still from there, until Hoseok was broken out of his state by a loud sound of Kihyun’s heart flat-lining. As he watched Kihyun take his final breath, someone was pulling him out of Kihyun’s room and back into the dark hallway.

 

The hallway seemed to be infinite, getting ever so dark the more you walked away from Kihyun’s room. Hoseok felt a pressure growing around his head, like he was sinking down, below the earth, when he felt himself wake up from his nightmare.

An alarm was going off, and a dog was barking. He could faintly hear the sounds of a bustling city outside a window that was open somewhere in the apartment. Hoseok reached for the other side of the bed, expecting a warm body who could wipe his tears when he would inevitably start crying from yet another torturous night of infernal dreams. His arms were met with a bundle of sheets, and not purposefully put there by someone else.

Hoseok opened his eyes to his black lab, barking and wagging his tail as he nudged Hoseok’s body with his snout. Hoseok warily got up, giving the dog a pet before going to the kitchen.

 

There was no sign of Kihyun anywhere. His smell wasn’t there, his coats and jackets weren’t strewn all over the apartment, his shoes weren’t at the front door or put in the closet. Hoseok stared around the apartment, blanking at the complete and utter feeling that he was dreaming.

 

His lab nudged his hand, breaking him out of his thought, and ensuring that he was in fact not dreaming. Hoseok settled on the thought that Kihyun didn’t live with him, and he never did, despite what he saw in his dreams sometimes. He sleepily shuffled into the kitchen, bombarded with English from the fridge and all the food cabinets.

 

As things started to piece together in Hoseok’s mind, he looked out his window to the bustling city of New York. He doesn’t exactly remember moving, but he remembers Kihyun always talking about wanting to visit New York before he got too old. With that remind, Hoseok genuinely wondered why Kihyun wasn’t around, and showed no signs of being where he had wanted to go so badly.

 

As Hoseok’s senses returned, with the help of his dog barking occasionally to keep him focused, and he walked around his apartment, trying to find any sort of proof that Kihyun was even  _ real _ . His dog closely followed him as he entered his living room, where a vase of perfectly healthy tulips sat on a table next to a picture frame off to the side.

 

Hoseok approached it, the glare of the sun in the picture frame’s glass hiding the photo within. He inspected the tulips, noticing the water level was still fairly high, and concluded they were no more than 2 days old. His gaze shifted when the noticed the picture frame, now untouched by the sun’s rays, allowing him to see the photo.

 

The photo inside the frame was small, but Hoseok was able to tell it was him and Kihyun kissing in the middle of Seoul Forest. As Hoseok turned over the frame to pop out the picture, he noticed writing on the back.

 

_ Seoul Forest, 2015. The day you asked me to marry you. (You remember, right?) Love you forever, your Kihyunnie. _

 

The last line brought back a flood of memories to Hoseok. He remembered the first letter he ever sent him from the hospital. He complained about a few of the nurses being annoying and the food being disgusting. He told him about the person next door, and how someone from his family was always by and crying. He could hear them crying outside from his room.

 

He remembered the letter after they learned how much longer Kihyun had to live. Kihyun was so scared. Hoseok could barely bring himself to read the letters. He was scared himself. The longest he would survive was one year. The shortest time was a matter of weeks. They promised to fill that time, and Hoseok promised to take Kihyun out of the hospital when he could. Neither of those promises were ever kept.

 

Hoseok remembered the day when a parcel came in the mail, addressed to him with Kihyun’s handwriting. Inside was the engagement ring Hoseok had used to propose, polished and new-looking. Along with it, a note that said Hoseok should find someone like him and marry him. He wouldn’t mind. But Hoseok did.

 

He also remembered the last time he saw him in the hospital. He remembers crying into Kihyun arms as Kihyun held back tears. He remembers apologizing for never coming, and never writing back. He couldn’t imagine being Kihyun then, stuck inside a room all day with no one to talk to except for nurses who came to check his vitals or give him food, or doctors to check up on him and continue to tell him that he most likely won’t die within the next 24 hours. He knew how much time Kihyun had left by that point. But he never had the time to see him.

 

He remembered the call from the hospital, 10 months into Kihyun’s war against himself, early in the morning when Kihyun had passed away. The person calling had given him a second to collect his bearings after just waking up. Hoseok still remembers the time. 3:42 am was when they called, 3:28 am was when Kihyun had been officially declared dead. He remembers crying on the phone, long after the hospital worker had hung up.

 

Hoseok remembers packing up his apartment, not knowing where he was going. He remembers giving his old photographs of Kihyun to his old dance friend Hyunwoo, insisting on only keeping the photo from Seoul Forest. He remembers person after person telling him to see a therapist, and that they would make things better.

**Author's Note:**

> ahhhhh this is definitely more up my alley (read my profile description 4 more) and it feels good to be writing angst again!!! oct 8th was Weird and i dont rlly want it to happen again. i enjoy being sad + angsty and writing sad + angsty things.
> 
> also TENTATIVE TITLE!! sorry that it's literally the worst thing in the WORLD i will evENTUALLY CHANGE IT (unless this gets famous ;;)))) but its also a great song by the griswolds


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